AS A TEENAGER, I was as ill-tempered as the young boy in the well-known Nails in the Fence story. Like him, I would get angry at the smallest of things. I would throw tantrums. I would unthinkingly blurt out hurtful words. I’ve come a long way with my anger-management skills since, but find myself slipping off and on. What better time then to revisit the story of the angry boy and re-learn how to keep one’s cool?
This boy’s father was a worried man. He’d been getting several complaints. One day, he told his son that every time he got angry, he should hammer a nail into the fence outside their home. On the first day, there were as many as 37 nails. Gradually, as the boy learnt to keep a check on his temper and his tongue, the nail count began to drop. The day finally came when there wasn’t a single nail in the fence.
A nail at a time
When the boy got back to his father, the man told him, “From now on, each day that you don’t get angry, pull out one nail from the fence.”
It took the boy a few months to pull out all the nails. When he finally did, his father said, “Now that all the nails are out, can you see how many holes there are in the fence? Each time you get angry and say bad things to people, your words hurt and they leave a scar. The scar doesn’t go even if you say sorry several times. So, watch what you say in anger. More important, try your best not to lose your temper. Your anger hurts not only others, it hurts you as well.”
House on fire
Like the boy, whenever someone says anything unpleasant to us, our first reaction is to say something nasty in return. We feel a kind of relief in hitting back at the person who has annoyed or hurt us. It’s as though when we are angry, we are more interested in fighting the enemy than taking care of our own feelings.
According to the Vietnamese spiritual teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, this is like chasing the person who has set fire to our house instead of trying to douse the flames engulfing it. “If we don’t go home to take care of our anger, our whole house will burn down,” he says in his book, How To Fight.
“If we can take care of our own anger instead of focusing on the other person, we will get immediate relief. If we pause, we see that our anger or fear may have been born from a wrong perception or may have its roots in the large seeds of anger or fear within us…. When insight is born, you will be free,” says the book.
Tree in a storm
Another tip that Thay — that’s what disciples call him — gives is that we must never do or say anything when we are angry. When we are overcome by strong emotions, we are like the branches of a tree swaying wildly in a storm. Till we calm down and become still like the tree-trunk, we must keep quiet. We must focus only on our breathing, and be mindful of the rise and fall of our abdomen. This, he says, will prevent us from shooting off our mouth and blurting out things we will regret later.
“Don’t speak or act with the energy of anger in you…. Breathe in and out mindfully, releasing the tension in your body and mind, or go for a walk until you are calm enough. Then ask your friend to clarify…. Check to see if you have understood correctly. This will prevent a lot of damage to your relationship,” says the book.
Boxing a punching-bag
Thay does not agree with a method of anger-release recommended to youngsters: punching a pillow or boxing a punching-bag. Many believe this is a harmless but effective way of flushing out destructive emotions from one’s system. But Thay is not so sure; he thinks punching a pillow may well do the opposite.
“You may be rehearsing your anger and making it stronger instead of releasing it. It may seem safe to hit a pillow, because it’s not a person or an animal. But doing this will water the seed of anger in your unconscious mind. By rehearsing our anger, we are creating a habit of being angry, which can be dangerous and destructive,” says the book.
The one surefire alternative is breathing deeply and mindfully, with our focus completely on the rise and fall of our abdomen. Thay stresses this again and again.