IF YOU’VE WATCHED Oliver Stone’s Born on the Fourth of July, you may recall how difficult US Marine Ron Kovic finds it to forgive himself for accidentally killing a teammate during the Vietnam War. Or how much a baby’s cries disturb the wheelchair-bound veteran because he left one to die after mindlessly massacring innocent villagers. You may also recall how Charlie, another soldier, hates himself for shooting babies. As much as the 1989 film is a searing indictment of the horrors of war, it also holds a mirror to the untold anguish of Vietnam veterans who live in their own private hell for actions not entirely in their control.
Growing up, our parents and teachers tell us that we must learn to forgive and forget the wrongs people do to us. In value-education classes in school, we learn that we must forgive our enemies seventy times seven. Sometimes, we hear that we must forgive the wrong but not forget that it was done to us. Amid these varying instructions, where does forgiving oneself figure? Why do we hear of it only seldom?
Poisoned sandwiches
In one of the Vietnam War stories in his book At Home in the World, spiritual teacher Thich Nhat Hanh talks of a veteran who is beside himself with guilt. He is plagued by memories of five children he killed years ago by leaving poisoned meat sandwiches in their village. He did this in a fit of anger after several of his platoon mates died in an ambush in that village.
Not only did he lace the sandwiches with poison and explosive substances, he hid nearby to watch the children eat. He saw them writhe in pain in the arms of parents, totally helpless without access to hospitals. He watched as life ebbed slowly out of the little bodies.
Too traumatised to sleep
Back in the US after the war, the veteran found it difficult to sleep. He felt too traumatised to be alone with children in a room. The only person he could talk to was his mother but even she couldn’t hear his cry of pain. She simply said such things happened during war, so he should not beat himself up. That did not give him any relief.
The veteran shared his experiences at one of several retreats Thay — as the Vietnamese monk is called by his disciples — held in the US. According to Thay, the retreat was a difficult one. Many of the participants suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and had been referred by psychological counsellors. One veteran would always lag several steps behind the group during morning or evening walks for fear of an ambush. Another would not sleep in a dormitory; he found it safer to pitch his tent in the woods and shut eye there.
Killed five? Now, save fifty
One day, Thay invited the veteran who poisoned the sandwiches to his room. “It is true you have killed five children,” Thay said. “But it is also true that today you can save five children.”
The monk explained to him that there were children across the world, including the US, who were victims of violence, oppression and poverty. They needed help, and giving them warm clothes, food and medicine would go a long way. “Why don’t you use your life to save children like these? You killed five children, but now you have the opportunity to save fifty children. In the present moment, you can heal the past,” advised Thay.
The veteran took it all in. He internalised what Thay said: “The present moment contains the past, and if you can live deeply in the present moment, you can heal the past.” Accordingly, he devoted his life to the service of children, healing himself through his work, and by extension, forgiving himself.
Heal through mindfulness
Thay’s suggestion is rooted in mindfulness, which he terms his basic meditation practice. “Mindfulness means dwelling in the present moment and becoming aware of everything – both the positive and negative elements… within us and around us. We learn to nourish the positive and to recognize, embrace and transform the negative,” he explains.
According to him, the practice does not entail achieving something. “The practice itself is the very joy and peace we are seeking. The practice is the destination. It is possible for each one of us to dwell happily in the present moment.”
Thay likens the practice of mindfulness to a boat. “…by practising mindfulness, you offer yourself a boat. As long as you continue to practise, as long as you stay in the boat, you will not sink or drown in the river of suffering.”
Quotable quotes
You forgive yourself for every failure because you are trying to do the right thing. God knows that and you know it. Nobody else may know it – Maya Angelou
There is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of the past. Forgive yourself, grow from it, and let it go – Melanie Koulouris
It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody – Maya Angelou