THERE WAS THIS pretty, young girl I knew at work called Julia. She was terribly shy. Once, at an office party where much dancing and whirling were going on to deafeningly loud music, I saw her trying to melt into the shadows. She seemed terrified she’d be asked to dance. As she was skulking away, a colleague spotted her. Just for fun, he invited her to the dance floor. She froze. “I’m very shy, I can’t dance,” she stuttered. Sensing she was miserable, a friend stepped in. “Let her be,” he said, “she’s always been very shy. It’s her nature.”
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So, what’s the big deal, you would ask. Such things happen all the time. Nothing to write home about.
Possibly. But pause a bit and consider — what actually happened there? Julia used a self-descriptor going back to her childhood — “I’m shy” – to wriggle out of an uncomfortable situation. Her friend confirmed the label, pigeonholing her into a category. Although he bailed her out, the exercise ensured that Julia would never try to shake off her immobilizing shyness, grow in confidence or break free of the past.
Self-defining tags
These self-descriptors are what American psychiatrist Dr Wayne W. Dyer calls “I’m” tags in his 1976 bestseller, Your Erroneous Zones. We accumulate an array of self-defining tags over a lifetime such as I’m nervous, I’m lazy, I’m forgetful, I’m poor at math, I’m unattractive, etc. They hinder growth, block change, are self-negating and keep us chained to our past.
According to Dr Dyer, self-descriptors are not inappropriate by themselves but can be used in harmful ways. “The very act of labelling might be a specific deterrent to growth. It’s easy to use the label as a justification for remaining the same…. You could be negating yourself by identifying with your trademarks, rather than your potential for growth,” he writes.
Origin & types
All self-negating descriptors arise from a person’s history. They are of two types:
(i) Labels pinned on him/her by other people when s/he was a child, which s/he carries to this day;
(ii) Labels that are a result of choices made to avoid something distasteful, difficult or risky.
The first category is more prevalent, says Dr Dyer. As an example, he talks of a little girl who loved to go to art class but was put down by her teacher as not very good at it. That marked the beginning of the tag – “I’m not good at art”. She then started avoiding art class because she disliked being written off, and as an adult, refused to have anything to do with art. “Oh, I’m not good at it; I’ve always been that way,” she said.
As an example of the second category, Dr Dyer talks of a man who would avoid handyman household chores he disliked (such as fixing doorbells) by simply telling his wife: “I’m not mechanical.” Although it was adaptive behavior, the man was also making a statement: “I’m a finished product and I’m never going to be different.” A finished product does not have to make the effort to grow, learn, change, take a risk or break free of the past.
Typical patterns
Here are a few typical “I’m” categories and their payoffs:
(i) I’m poor at math: This is an academic self-descriptor. It guarantees you don’t have to put in the effort to learn what you’re weak at or evolve.
(ii) I’m shy, reserved: This is a genetic self-descriptor. It is used to avoid being assertive in difficult situations. It is generally a leftover from childhood, during which others made you believe you couldn’t think for yourself. You can blame this on your parents and refuse to change.
(iii) I’m ugly, big-boned: This is a physiological self-descriptor. It is used to justify poor self-image and as an excuse to avoid the risks involved in a love relationship.
(iv) I’m sloppy, unorganized: This is a behavioral self-descriptor. It is used to justify doing things in a certain way – you’ve always done it that way, so you can’t do it differently.
(v) I’m old, tired: This is an age-related self-descriptor. It is used as a reason not to participate in risky activities. By labeling yourself old, you indicate you’re a finished product that cannot learning anything new.
Vicious circle
According to Dr Dyer, the prime reason for sticking to “I’m” behaviour and refusing to break free of the past can be put in one word: avoidance.
“Whenever you want to dodge a certain kind of activity or to gloss over a personality defect, you can always justify yourself with an I’m…. Labels enable you to avoid the hard work and the risk of trying to change. They perpetuate the behavior that has given rise to them. Thus, if a young man goes to a party with the belief that he is shy, he will behave as if he is shy and his behavior will further support his self-image. It’s a vicious circle,” he writes.
Here’s how the vicious circle plays out: I’m shy -> Look at that attractive crowd -> I think I’ll approach them -> No, I can’t -> Why not? -> Because -> I’m shy. Instead of working on his shyness, the man uses an “I’m” to justify his behavior and avoid taking a risk. It’s always easier to use a self-descriptor than to change and break free of the past.
Strategies for change
Flushing away the past involves risks but, with sustained effort and the desire to change, it can be done. Some strategies Dr Dyer suggests are:
(i) Set goals to behave differently from what you’ve been doing so long. If you’re shy, walk up to someone you generally avoid and introduce yourself.
(ii) Eliminate speaking of your “I’m” tags whenever possible. Instead, say: “I used to label myself like that but….”
(iii) Tell your close family members you’re working to eliminate your self-descriptors. Ask them to point out your slips.
(iv) Ask a confidant outside your family to help you out.
(v) Keep a journal of your self-destructive labels and note when you use them. Once you know the pattern, consciously try to drop them.
(vi) Work to eliminate just one self-descriptor every day. For instance, devote Mondays to the “I’m forgetful” tag, Tuesdays to “I’m shy” and so on.
(vii) Whenever you realise you’re caught in the “I’m” vicious circle, try to break it.
Conclusion
“Any I’m that keeps you from growing is a demon to be exorcised. If you must have an I’m, try this one for size. “I’m an ‘I’m exorcist – and I like it,” concludes Dr Dyer.